#that i can make myself so ashamed of the smallest thing so easily and that what they say drives me to shame almost as easily

[thebirdandhersong]

Lol

[scenesniper]

☆ "weeping clown" ; general sfw & nsfw headcanons

pairing / weeping clown x afab gn! reader

disclaimer / possessive nature, choking fixation, body worship, orgasm denial

word count / 1,335 words

author's note / i wanted more miserable, pathetic, lore accurate toxic weepy so i decided to just write it myself.

SFW

☆ a very clingy man that is far too quiet to ever be the one to initiate a conversation with you. after all, how dare he have such thoughts when you’re shining all so bright. altruist you can say but behind it, he is all but possessive.

☆ you will always find letters forwarded to you by someone of anonymity but his handwriting is all but so familiar. you will always feel a set of eyes following you in everything you do around the circus. whether it be practicing for your next act, applying your makeup, eating, or paying attention to your own body care, it's always on you.

☆ weeping clown by his stage name is very self explanatory. even with his wishes of being so much more than what he is branded by, he carries on his sorrowful demeanor behind the stage. meeting you, whether you’re the first to ever truly acknowledge him or give him the light of day of your time, he will think of that interaction of so much more.

☆ he’s completely infatuated by you, not having the guts or confidence to ever approach you, he will make gifts for you in secrecy, going to great lengths to have it personally delivered to you by a postman to possibly hide the fact that it was him all along.

☆ however, you have suspected the clown for awhile now. the way his eyes avoid your own, his stuttering and brightening red state of his. you have always thought of it as normal for the clown, his cowering state, but there is just something about him that rang alarm bells.

☆ weeping is easily flustered. any hint of your attention on him has him already a profused bashful state. especially any physical contact with each other, even if it’s just holding hands, his hands will instantly clam up and become so warm. he gets embarrassed at these times and would begin to avoid eye contact so you wouldn’t have to see him in such a “pathetic condition”.

☆ kissing the weeping clown is rough due to his very chapped lips. he’s a clumsy and messy kisser, having no prior experience and frankly, only kisses with pure want and no thoughts at all behind it as if you’re going to disappear on him. you’ll always feel his hands messily messing the back of your hair and at times, when he’s pushing his tongue down on you, he loves it when you tug down on his scarf.

☆ his love, to be blunt, is completely unconditional. it doesn’t matter if you kill someone with your own bare hands, even if his idea of you shatters, his ideology still stands. he’s a man that is completely obsessed with the idea of you and while it is a harmful train of thoughts, that obsession turns into a sick love.

☆ even if his love comes from a twisted place, he cares for you in his own little way. he’s overprotective of you and attentive to your mental and emotional needs of yours. if someone is bugging you, he’s immediately on the band wagon in planning on how he’s specifically going to privately and in secrecy, handle it.

NSFW

☆ joker is not a confident man as we all know, and especially in bed. even if he’s bigger than most, around 8 inches or so, he is all but insecure about the approach. he’s a virgin and only has experience by touching himself late at night, clutching a crumpled picture of you and imagining your hands pumping his cock.

☆ he’s always the type to indulge in his personal fantasies and to finally have it happen to him, he’s all but overjoyed but extremely confused and insecure on how you can ever pick someone like him. he has always dreamed of you touching him, even when he’s ashamed of such thoughts when facing you upfront, he’d always go hard over the smallest things from you.

☆ your voice, your lips, your eyes on his, your scent, you brushing skin contact with him even if it’s just a small graze, oh god his dick is practically about to burst out his boxers. he loves the rough feeling of his dick begging to be dicked down and would often grind himself in his own boxers, imagining that friction is your pussy.

☆ he would get so long in those surreal fantasies of his, wanting to just breed you. but once actually having you, his insecurities of having little to no experience comes crashing down once more. you’ll be on his lap and he’ll be completely dumbfounded, absolutely having no idea where to put or place his arms and would stare at you undressing on him which god, is so hot to him.

☆ he’s the type to just cum right then and there in whatever you do to his body. touching his cock, oh he’s already seeing stars and tearing up. your warm mouth on his, he’s grinding his waist and dragging you by your hair to go deeper and deeper, causing you to choke and him getting off by your gagging sounds.

☆ he’s a big crier during it all, his eyes seeming to always tear up whenever he feels absolutely stimulated or from pure happiness, he’ll always throw his head back and bites his lips to the point it begins to start bleeding and then planting his blood soaked lips on yourself.

☆ body worship. weeping clown is ashamed of his disability and amputee, but you praising it and giving it utmost attention (not just only during sex of course) gives him an unexplainable emotion such as relief of your acceptance of him. how you don’t immediately shun him.

☆ he loves to worship you and your entire being, not just being the only one praised. he will always be going on and on, muttering about your beauty. he always feels as though he shouldn’t even have the privilege to be in your presence, let alone touch you. it’s an emotional moment for him the entire time, enveloping himself to your existence.

☆ he absolutely can’t get enough of you, always loving it when he’s the one on your lap or vice versa, he loves to look up at you and you wiping his tears off with your thumb. he loves to nuzzle on the palm of your hand every time you do it. once he’s more familiar and confident with your body, he finds himself more and more lost in sex.

☆ he’s a verbal partner, always gasping and lowering his moans. it’s not a hard feat to have him a mess over you and especially when you’re verbal, he can’t help but feel good knowing he’s the one getting those reactions out of you.

☆ he loves it when you deny him of his orgasm. tie him behind his waist and fuck his cock with your finger, palm, boobs, thighs, anything. he’ll start whining and drawing his voice out, begging for your touch, his tears practically streaming out by then.

☆ bouncing on his cock, he’s still so scared over the fact that you’re in his but he can’t help but get so lost in your touch. he’ll watch you with astonishment, watching your boobs bounce along your actions and begin latching his mouth on the bud of your nipples and sucking on it to the point there’ll be a prominent, red mark.

☆ aftercare with weeping clown would be him cleaning you up with a rag and bringing you the glass of water from the bedside, very quiet and unsure on what else to talk about. it’s a comfortable silence on your part but for the clown, he’s particularly anxious. you’ll have to be the one praising and tucking him for the night. during these moments, he’s especially emotional. he never wants to let go of this moment and then, decide to do everything that he can to keep you by his side no matter what.

[agirlwithglam]

Hi!! I hope I'm not disturbing you but I wanted to ask how do I work hard. Because when I was younger I got really good marks without trying and now the subjects are hard and social media is distracting but I can't seem to delete it. This is also why my grades are even low then before and I'm really afraid to disappoint my parents (being the eldest daughter doesn't help). So can you please just give me some pointers on how can I actually study and not just cry because I don't know how to. Have a great day!! <3

literally omg. is this past me asking me a question?? like actually u have no idea how much i relate and understand this. the "gifted child" who always got good grades without needing to study now finds things more difficult. i know many people have said this, but i actually have been through this not too long ago. i hope these tips help <3

how to work hard + actually study (realistic)

forget hard work. at least do the work! (its so funny because i literally had a post about this all ready in my drafts about to get posted, so i'll keep this short and link the post.) stop focussing on doing hard work like studying 24/7. just put in the basic necessities you need to get a better grade. hard work post link

use the disappointment and embarrassment as fuel. (basically find a very strong why) (mini story-ish thing coming up, skip to the blue text for the actual advice) i still remember the day i got such a bad score on my math and science test, i was FURIOUS at myself and i cried about it! telling it to my parents was one of the hardest things i had to do and feeling their disappointment was even worse. but that became my turning point. i was so ashamed of myself and i resented me so much that i basically just told myself "i dont freaking care what you feel *with distaste*. you brought this on yourself you failure" (a bit very harsh, yes i know) but the way i studied that week- i studied more than i every had before! also doing this doesnt really lower my self esteem a whole lot, but if it does with you, please be gentle with yourself. : so what i'm trying to say it; use that feeling of shame and disapointment as a fuel, a motivation. The big “why”.

ALTER EGOOOSSSS. this helps SOOOO MUCH its so underrated. embody the energy of your fav people who are the academic inspiration you wanna be! example: rory gilmore, paris geller, elle woods, blair waldorf, etc etc! not only is this so helpful but it also makes it so much more fun and easier!!

parent yourself. i used to tell myself to do stuff like "go study now!" or "get up lazy-butt" but in my mind. but what if you tried to say those stuff out loud to yourself? it just creates a whole new level of real. So start telling yourself to do stuff out loud.

honestly just start. stop letting yourself think about how "uncomfortable" and how "annoying" it will be. All you need to know is that you need to get it done. Right? Ok. So now what’s the next smallest step you can take to getting to do the unwanted task? It may be taking out your material, opening your book, etc.

( !! tough love, but very important rant coming up)

You privileged brat. Your parents gave up EVERYTHING so you could have the education that you are having. They worked so so hard for YOU. So YOU can have the life you want. And all for what? Just for you to throw it all away and say “oh im lazy”. HELL NAH.

And also, do you realise how fortunate you are to be even living in such a time/ era where you have access to basically EVERYTHING? You’re stuck on something? You could easily search it up!! And whats more is that you can further learn. You can search up and find out more about the thing that you’re studying, become the smartest person in your class, get so ahead in life. I hope you realise that if you do use all the resources and materials and help that’s been given to you, just imagine how far you could go! Further than Albert Einstine, Elon Musk, etc. you may be like “what! No that’s gonna be too hard!” But did they have the tools that you have right at your hand? No! They made it all the way with just simple stuff and having to work super hard. But you live in a time where you can do TWICE as much without working as hard!!

And one more thing, QUIT WHINING. “Oh school is so hard!” “Oh school is so boring!” Like whattt???? You are so FORTUNATE and LUCKY to be even getting access to such education! MILLIONS of kids out there would kill to be able to learn what you are so easily dismissing right now. So TAKE ADVANTAGE OF WHAT YOU HAVE. Put your ALL, your very BEST into studying and getting good grades because THAT is whats gonna take you so SO far in life.

Thank you very much, *mic drop*. (i still ly pookie)

dealing with social media:

put the screen time widget on your phone home screen. i did this, and i became so embarrassed by the amount of screen time i had in one day (*cough* 12 hours *cough*) that i made certain to stop using it as much.

screen time limits. this may or may not help you, bc i know that when i knew the screen time password, it didn't do a lot of help but when someone else did (like parents or someone you trust), then it definitely worked. this is probably only best if you're a child around under 14 ish bc thats around the age when most parents put screen time limits + after that age you're gonna be a lot more independent.

more *extremely* helpful resourses:

tips to decrease your phone screen time by @imbusystudying

how to reduce your screen time in the digital age? (an article)

studying tips from a straight-A student by @universalitgirlsblog2

how to study like paris geller by @4theitgirls

more blogs i recomend:

@elonomhblog @mindfulstudyquest @study-diaries @thatbitchery

xoxo, vanilla

[youremyheaven]

I am the dog yoni gal. Ashlesha moon here (I was here during that drama and had a good laugh because of that stupid anon😂) and he’s a Swati moon. Yes he IS dominant both in bed and in general.

On daily basis — He’s again dominant can go a little overboard with it sometimes and VERY controlling. Stubborn as hell (we both are). Always looks for a way to make me feel bad or ashamed of myself. Would blow up on me for the smallest things and if I do something good he’d never be happy for me always dismiss them as irrelevant. Anger issues at peak. Severe trust issues but he’s the player as well over here. Would fuck anything that has a vagina. I used to let him do all of this and be the mouse but that’s no longer the case I don’t like to be controlled and value my freedom way too much so I just give him a piece of my mind whenever he starts acting like an ass. I don’t hold back on my words and just say all the things I want to cause I can’t stand being disrespected like that at all. It’s as if I was blindfolded and only now it has been removed. I know he can never stand a chance against me cause I’ve never done something shitty to him. So yeah he’s TOXIC. I’d say delusional as well cause he’d just spew sone of the most absurd shit I’ve ever came across when he’s jealous. Tries to manipulate me but I see through his bullshit and let him believe his fantasy.

In bed (TMI ahead) — He’s dominant and a top. Not as kinky as I thought he would be but we have done sone great shit together. One time we literally did it on a street. He’s fearless and doesn’t shy away from touching me in public. He’s actually the one who initiates a lot of times cause I’m just way too shy. He’s a sucker for curvy women. Doesn’t last long and gets tired too easily. Even tho he says he wants to make me squirt (or atleast cum) infront of him he can’t and he’s never done that. The most we’ve done is 2 rounds and that’s it. It’s kinda frustrating cause I never get to cum and my libido is very high. I don’t really get tired easily. The way to my cat is through my mind and he’s never understood that. You need to stimulate me mentally and only then I can get turned on.

omg 😲😲pls tell me you're not still with him??? none of my business but this does not sound healthy?? 😶

one thing im grateful for with astrology is that it helps me filter out creepy men (and even then i suffer but i blame that on my delulu nature)

[puppygirl82]

I tend not to over share much. I am a relatively private person so sharing this is a huge step for me because I struggle with being vulnerable but I think maybe it's time.

I have spent so much of my life worried about how much space I took up in the world. Trying desperately to make myself as small and unnoticeable as possible. I learned early on that people are cruel and trust can easily be misplaced. So I closed myself off and in the process I lost myself.

I am a big person, with big emotions and sometimes, more often than not, that makes people uncomfortable. I let other people's discomfort control who I was, what I did, or more so didn't do, what I said and so on to the point that I never got the chance to find out who I was. I spent so much time being who everyone else thought I should be, who society told me I should be, that I never got to have those experiences most people had growing up. I missed out on so much because of fear. Fear of judgment, fear of being endlessly teased by my peers, fear of rejection from my loved ones, that now, I'm 40 and just beginning to allow myself to let who I am come out and meet the world.

The great part is I still have time to do it. I can still be who I am unapologetically. I can wear the clothing my 16 year old self wished I had. I can buy the things that make my strange macabre heart flutter. I can indulge myself in everything society told me I shouldn't.

Society dimmed my shine because I was different. I wasn't the traditional body type, I wasn't conventionally attractive, I wasn't interested in the traditional. I was however interested in the stange and unusual, I took up more space than most, I exist outside the social norms and that was simply unacceptable.

Now I get to undo all that and remake myself into someone I like looking at in the mirror. Trying to learn to love the face and body staring back at me. Some days that's the hardest part of existing but knowing only I can fight for myself. No one can save me from my own mind but me.

I can be open about my mental health struggles, my self doubt, my paralyzing fear of abandonment. Knowing that the anxiety within me, my dark shadow following me through life, just waiting for the smallest trigger to come along so it can scream "I TOLD YOU SO!" so loudly in my head that at times I can hear nothing else. Knowing that inner monolog of how much of a failure I am isn't going anywhere, all the voices in my head telling me that everyone would be better off without me is just my brain lying to me. Trying to trick me. But also knowing that I am trying to obtain the tools to manage it in a healthy way rather than a toxic one. I can admit that I have days where the sun physically makes me sick and I want nothing more than to not exist. But those day pass and I have days where I see beauty in thunderstorms and tranquility in darkness and joy in madness.

I can acknowledge that I am somewhere on the spectrum and things that I never understood about myself, finally make so much sense now. Finding out as an adult why loud sounds and bright lights are so overstimulating. Why crowds send me into a panic, why simple textures and smells can make me gag when others are unaffected. Knowing my fidging and restless and unfocusedness came from somewhere. Why I bust out singing the most inappropriate of things in a snappy tune just to release the nervous energy because it has nowhere else to go. Understanding that my brain simply just works differently than others.

Giving myself to grace to know that even though I fell hopelessly in love with a man, I still prefer women and that does not invalidate me. Struggling with imposter syndrome rearing it's ugly head on a near daily basis but understanding that it's just my mind playing tricks on me. Allowing myself to admit that I am demisexual and not being ashamed of it.

Pride month is about so much more than just celebrating our sexual freedom. It's about finally have a safe space to exit openly in a society that has tried it's damnedest to snuff out the whimsy of the world. Pride month is about acceptance, openness and compassion just as much as about pride. I am happy to be part of such a beautiful colorful community.

With all that being said Happy Pride month to everyone in the alphabet mafia. 🌈

If sharing this little glimpse behind the curtain helps anyone, in any way to feel even a little bit better, accepted or understood, than my job is complete. However, if you are reading this and it makes you upset or uncomfortable in any way, well you know where the unfriend button is and I encourage you to use it. 😉

[angstmonsterwrites]

A lot of easily accessible resources on trauma go in depth and bend over backwards on the concept of shame; on the impact it has on one's self concept, and rightfully so.

But what doesn't get nearly enough attention, and what I personally struggle with more, is how it fucks with beliefs and ideas about other people and the world--how it conditions the mind with deep distrust and fear.

Yes, yes--I get it. No one gets to tell me who and what I am but me. My parents were assholes. None of their shit was my fault and I'm not worth any less than any other ordinary person.

That's all good and well, but how do I go about not sleeping with one eye open? How do I reach a point where I don't feel almost cosmically picked on for how intensely I expect cruelty and rejection? How do I stop suspecting and expecting hatred out of every corner without putting my guard down too much? How do I stop from feeling like a small, trapped child unfairly in trouble for coughing too loud when I'm sick (among anything else that might be vaguely described as "disruptive")? How do I teach my whole-assed nervous system that not all risk taking is fundamentally irresponsible? How do I offload the severe minute by minute tension that comes with expecting the most severe backlash for the smallest of missteps? How do I ever believe that there isn't *always* someone waiting to pull the "gotcha!" on me, especially when I've dealt with that again and again and again? How do I dispose of the conditioning that tells me that if I get hurt, I can expect nothing but mockery and shunning and ham-fisted insistence that it's my own fault for not "being careful enough". How do I stop feeling like every decision I must make is a catch-22 trap where someone will be there to tell me I'm wrong no matter what I do? How do I rid myself of the idea that every other person is a potential monster in disguise, but that it's entirely on me to know which ones, all while acting like there are none so as not to be "embarrassing"?

How do I stop feeling like the stakes and standards for *every fucking little thing* are so, so much higher for me than anyone else, and that I'll be brutally punished for failing to meet them?

It's all rhetorical in the end because a solution is in sight, but how do I unwire all this unfair bullshit that was imposed upon me? How to heal what amounts to a terrorized inner child?

Why isn't there more out there about this? I'm not ashamed. I don't think I'm fundamentally bad or deserve cruelty, but I'm scared. Always, always. I'm always scared that people might want to hurt and sabotage me and then take turns kicking me while I'm down. It feels like a law of nature or a curse--not something wrong with me necessarily but the consequences of living.

Because apparently "responsibility" dictates I should have known better than to be born; that I got myself into this situation and am simply suffering the consequences.

So absurd, but there it is.

[anewdawnwithoutfear]

Originally Posted: 30 December, 2024

Visibility: Everyone

Nina and the Professor have been speaking for quite some time, if their expressions are any indication. Tutelary stands aside, looking queasy as they glance between the only stability they have.

“Why has she been so ashamed, then?” Nina’s voice expresses a genuine curiosity and desire to understand, no hidden doubts. Regardless of her apprehension, she’s set aside her preexisting beliefs about this man for her friend’s sake, they can sort it later if they have to.

The Professor sighs, “She wanted to do outreach work, and it went awry immediately. I suppose she thought, irrationally, that you might, react as its detractors did, and refuse to believe its reasons for leaving. It’s a little upsetting, as her partner, to see her unable to let go of the sunk cost.”

Nina smiles wryly, “I could see its fear and dissatisfaction well before it walked out the door, so there’s no reason for me to call bullshit there.” She pauses, looking over at her former boss, waving it over. “I do have a more personal question for both of you, now.”

Tutelary shuffles back to the table as Professor responds, “Ask, then.”

“How did…” she waves between the couple, “this happen?”

Tutelary opens thons mouth to start to answer, but Professor cuts it off, “That is hard to answer. How far back do you need me to go?”

“The first contact, if you wouldn’t mind.”

Professor weighs his options. Some things, she can’t know if she’s an unknown allegiance, but giving no answer would be unacceptable, and if he lies too much and she is swayed, she will learn quickly, and that wold risk her being upset. He cannot risk making her a liability, if only for his partner’s sake. “For reasons that we can’t get into right now, I found myself curious about some things I had heard,” he reaches for Tutelary’s hand, which ze gives him easily. “It began with simple unsigned letters and a dropbox. I am sure you are clever enough to understand that this curiosity was not purely academic, of course.” He pauses again, almost long enough for an interjection, “I suppose I wanted, at first, for some kind of mutual exchange, Of course I wanted mine, but I wasn’t expecting information freely given to a stranger.”

Tutelary frowns, “I really can’t remember specifics very well.”

Professor rubs the back of its fingers with his thumb, filling in before the implications can set in, “Eventually, we agreed to meet on neutral ground. I am certain it didn’t come alone,” Tutelary shrinks, slightly ashamed, “I did. It’s not important. We spoke, and it screamed, raged, I understood. I did not retaliate.”

“I wish…no…I’m glad you didn’t,” his partner quietly adds.

He smiles slightly in acknowledgment, “These meetings and unsigned letters went on, it took time, but we gained a neutral rapport with each other eventually. I did think, at first, that I could use his festering wounds and disaffection overall to render him a liability. This was around when I also started to realize positive relations could, in theory, be possible, though I didn’t know if it’d be worth pursuing.” He pauses to flex his hand, Tutelary’s grip having tightened around his fingers to a borderline uncomfortable degree. She obliges and loosens her grip. “Eventually, that became the case without us intervening on purpose.”

“I was going to be a turncoat, but–”

“Not yet, dear. That was a little later.”

Nina remains silent, listening intently, not sure what she anticipated.

The Professor shakes his head, “I noticed, a bit sooner than I felt made sense, that I had gone from intellectual curiosity and a not-quite friendship to wanting to know everything, to have it at my side, but I knew, by then, that it did not want that kind of relationship. It took more time, still, when I started noticing the smallest signs of some attraction from it. After a month or two, I resolved to ask, directly, and I was happy to hear that I had guessed right.”

Tutelary shakes her head, nothing to add.

“There was a brief discussion of it being an informant, but that didn’t last very long.” He waves his hand prompting his partner.

“I…was already afraid, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to hide forever, and he’d lose me if I didn’t leave, and I…I’m his.” She sounds reverent when saying this, but immediately looks down, as if expecting Nina to berate it and tell it it’s lying.

Nina does neither, and instead inhales slowly, “And you were planning a landing pad for it?”

“From as soon as I realized this was going to be more than an acquaintanceship, yes,” he confirms.

Nina leans back in her chair, pondering her options. None of this is much to go on. It assuages her fears, yes, but she knows there must be things hidden, especially with how it all played out.

Just as Tutelary starts to consider assuring Nina there is no wrong answer, she speaks, “My friend, I want to help you, I am supposed to. If this is where you chose, I will follow. It’s probably safer, in some ways,” she laughs lightly before locking eyes with the Professor, “Before I can’t do this, I do want you to know that I expect you do be careful with her. She’s not fragile, and she hates being handled like she is, but you need to treat her as she needs. I won’t harm you, but I will encourage her to leave.”

The Professor nods slowly, “We are working through something at the moment. I may consult you, then.”

The three of them startle when they hear a car drive past the park. A park that had been closed to the public for at least 8 hours, at this point.

“I want to hel–”

“We can get someone to move your personal items, should you need,” the Professor offers, standing and helping his partner to their feet.